Each morning during Grade School live announcements Dr. Jones starts with Dad Jokes. It began with curating the best jokes from online and now they are ones students submit and Dr. Jones originals (those have an *). 

Updated regularly so keep coming back!

Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism

I like jokes about the eyes.

The cornea the better.

My sword doesn't weigh much. 

It's my light saber.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. 

"You've given me one too many."

"That one is a freebie."

I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!

I'm the spokesperson. 

When I was young, my dad said to me that if I put my mind to it, I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. The skys the limit, he'd say, which made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.

*Why did the very large koala not get the job?

It was over koalafied.

 

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A man applies to be a superhero as a part of the X-Men

When asked what his superpower is, the man replies "Hindsight".

Professor X says "That won't be of any use to us".

The man replies, "Yes, I see that now".
 

*Hey did you guys hear about the new Jewish superhero?

His name is Schniederman.

 

*Why are vampires vegetarian?

They hate steak!

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

Did you hear about the Aligator who always wore a vest?

He was an investigator!

(submitted by Rabbi M.)

 

*Before I start my Dad Jokes - I just wanted to say I hope you are all doing okay with us ReZOOMing school today. 

 

I have been watching a lot of Avengers lately and I was thinking we can get the HULK to help us with advertising Akiba Atmosphere - I mean think about it - he is basically a huge banner! (You will only get this if you know the Hulks alter ego is Bruce banner)

 

*I have been watching a lot of fishing shows lately to pass the time. My wife saw me watching last night and said it was too much. I corrected her that it wasn't too much, it was Tuna.

 

What’s the difference between Seals and Sea Lions?

One only tells the truth and one can’t stop Lying!

(Original submitted by Jacob Rappaport)

 

*Did you hear about the new competitive Bald Eagle show?

It’s called America’s Got Talons. 

 

*Did you hear that the Elastics concert sold out in three minutes? 

Makes sense. They are the top rubber band right now.

 

*A family of lions were having their Pesach Sedar and one of the cubs refused to sing at the table no matter how many times the father said More Roar More Roar!*

Why did the Chicken Cross the road? 

It was social distancing! 

(submitted by Lilac Marcus)

*What do cows in space say?
MOOOOOOOOOON!

Which knight helped King Arthur build his round table? 
Sir Cumference

(submitted by Ronit Radutny)

*Donald Duck was having car trouble so he brought it to the mechanic. Turns out all he needed was his Car Tuned.

*Two astronauts got into a fight and didn’t speak for days. They just needed their space.

 

These below were curated from the internet before the students challenged Dr. Jones to make them up.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Chanukah? He felt his presents!

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!

What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Eliezer.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

 

Does anyone need an ark?

I Noah guy!

What kind of jokes are the CDC recommending during the Coronavirus outbreak?

Inside Jokes

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.

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Akiba-Schechter Jewish Day School is affiliated with the Associated Talmud Torahs, the Board of Jewish Education of Chicago, and is a beneficiary of the Kehillah Jewish Education Fund of Chicago. Akiba-Schechter Jewish Day School is a partner with the Jewish United Fund in serving our community.